Some of you may have read my previous blog. I started it in 2022 to record and share my experiences following my diagnosis of Stage 4 prostate cancer. Things were going so well, but then the wheels fell off. I became so completely exhausted, in pain and desperate during the treatment that I needed to focus all my energy on getting through each day. This generally meant consuming loads of painkillers, considering whether I wanted to carry on, and trying my absolute best to get outside each day. I simply could not be bothered writing.

What’s this blog about?
In no particular order: I want to share my story, help others going through similar and spread awareness of prostate cancer. I’ll endeavour to inspire hope, courage and resilience in others. And if I’m honest… I’d like to leave a bit of a legacy. I don’t want to be forgotten!

What’s happened?

In the summer of 2022, as a healthy and fit 53 year old, I was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. This started a chain of events: I started a blog to share my news and document my journey; started on hormone therapy; I began chemotherapy; developed agonising neuropathy; had radiotherapy, and then developed bowel and urinary problems along with constant nausea. Probably unsurprisingly my levels of fatigue increased, I became depressed, lost hope and almost gave up on life… I certainly gave up on writing my blog. Recently, the neuropathy has faded and the nausea relented. I feel like I’ve woken up and I’m ready to start living again.

Who are you?

I tried writing my first blog as myself: a true account of what I was going through, how I felt and what I was doing about it. But it became one-sided. I felt like I was trying to be a super-hero… “Look at me with my stage 4 cancer; still enjoying life, still healthy, still fit, still better than you”. I highlighted the good bits and ignored the hard stuff; or at least I minimised it. I was becoming that facebook bullshiter… the one with the perfect life. That ain’t me; I hate that stuff! I’m gritty and realistic. Did people want to read that I was doing well? Probably. Did they want to read about how much pain I was in and how I just really wanted to end my life? Probably not. I’d started to write for others, not for me.

I’m Stanley, yet I’m not Stanley. Maybe Stanley is my alter ego? I can put him away when times are tough, and dust him off when I’m ready to get going again. I reflect off him whilst he is also my shadow. Stanley is the honest version of me. He’ll tell it in a straight and honest way.

What’s the plan?

I’m back. But am I? I’m not the same as my previous self. Truth is, I’ve changed. Changed a lot. I’ve needed time to discover the new me. Living with incurable cancer messes with your head and the treatment wrecks your body. Hormone therapy reduces a man’s testosterone levels to zero… that changes a lot! Chemotherapy takes you to the brink and reduces you to fragments of yourself. Radiotherapy adds new injuries that you never expected or even imagined. Pain levels are recalibrated; previous plans are abandoned and capacity is reduced. All previous expectations and plans must be paused, set aside and reviewed… but not necessarily abandoned.

But from this difficult process, a new person emerges. New limitations are not just limitations… they are invitations to explore new avenues. I feel that I am about 80% of my way through this transformation in to the new me. I still have dark days but they are fewer. I sleep for much longer these days, often for 12 hours or even longer. I initially viewed this as a waste of my limited time but I now realise that rest is essential for me; I’ve even begun to value and enjoy it! I intend to continue this transformation and not to let myself slip back into old ways of thinking and feeling.

Where can I find out more?

• About prostate cancer? Prostate Cancer UK (https://prostatecanceruk.org/) are a brilliant resource, as are Prostate Cancer Research (https://www.prostate-cancer-research.org.uk/) and Macmillan (https://www.macmillan.org.uk/). There are loads of resources out there.
• About my cancer journey? Click on the “Cancer-life” tab. You’ll find all of my older posts from my initial diagnosis and early treatment.
• Or ask me anything!