That’s what the last week has been… a rollercoaster

The reality of my situation is beginning to sink in. Until 10 days ago, there was still a small chance that my cancer may have been locally advanced rather than metastatic (i.e. still within the prostate area and curable, rather than having spread and being incurable). Even in the immediate days after the oncologist delivered this news I felt ok about it. I saw it as a challenge, and if I’m going to face a challenge then I always relish a proper challenge; don’t ever give me a head start.

This was my simple brain tricking me, yet also helping me. It’s sometimes great being not-so-bright and permanently distracted: It is easy to pick simple things to focus on whilst shutting out less attractive factors. It’s why I can always find the time to fix a motorcycle, yet Sam has to wait 6 months for me to change a lightbulb. But reality’s sometimes glacial, yet relentless creep has managed to catch up with me this week. I’ve got cancer and I’ve got it properly. It’s like having a monkey on my back.

Yet there has been lots of joy in this week too. It was fantastic to have JM&H visit last weekend and for me to be able to share our little corner of this beautiful part of the country with them as we walked, ran and cycled. Superb weather, food and drink too! It was great to see our friend Puk and hear about her recent adventures, and I’m very much looking forward to meeting Puk’s friend whom has demonstrated an indomitable spirit as she fights a similar battle.

But then the monkey tightens his grip and demands my attention; I become tired and a flood of doubt sweeps over me: Is my treatment right? Is my diet right? How long have I got? How bad are things going to get? Is my consultant the right person for the job? Why does my back hurt so much? Why am I so tired? I’m beginning to hate monkeys.

And then I shake free from those gloomy thoughts: I live in a beautiful part of the country, it’s midsummer and I don’t have to go to work. I’m enjoying getting out on the bikes (the ones without engines); it was nice to walk down to the garden centre with my mum, to catch up with the family through our monthly Zoom call, and and great to see our friend Emmy. Texts, emails and passing-visits have been much appreciated too.

But a flash of pain or fatigue and the monkey wakes up. He reminds me that I’m deep into a game of roulette… where will the cancer stop next? Maybe I need to go through with these gloomy thoughts; what if living in a permanent state of distraction means I miss an important detail? A new treatment option? Or miss out on doing something that I may not be able to do later?

I will focus on the plan. My life is good. I’m enjoying getting fitter and embracing these new challenges. This is an opportunity to achieve new goals, even if I do not yet know what these goals are. I think I would like to undertake some longer cycle challenges; I’d often thought about setting up a local men’s health group; maybe return to some form of education or educating. And motorcycles; I’ve always dreamt of having a Triumph Rocket in the garage, or maybe a Ducati Diavel, or a BSA Goldstar.

I’ll outrun this monkey somehow 🙂