“I’m not complaining, I’m just saying how it is”

Back in August 2022, I described having a cancer diagnosis as like having a load of monkeys on my back. Before cancer, I never thought much about cancer: it wasn’t ever going to affect me and, if it did, I’d beat it in a few months. I was never going to get incurable cancer, although I often chucked a few quid in a collection pot or sponsored a friend’s challenge as a precaution… karma and all that. But having been diagnosed with incurable cancer I did start to think about it quite a lot! Sometimes my unwanted thoughts would be quite negative. I referred to those thoughts as being like monkeys: the cheeky fellas would spring at me from nowhere and they tended to cling on with great tenacity. In my previous Jennride post, I claimed that I wasn’t going to allow the reoccurrence of perineal discomfort to get me down. But it has. The monkeys have been reappeared and they’ve been troubling me quite a bit over the last few weeks.

Throughout 2023, I thought about cancer for much of the time; I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I’d try to engross myself in something meaningful but found this was always short-lived. Chemotherapy and radiotherapy had left me very tired and in pain, physically and emotionally. I struggled to do much at all; my fatigue, pain and consequential limitations were a constant reminder of the death sentence I’d been handed. I was surrounded by monkeys; each one a reminder of something I’d lost. I felt like I existed in a world that I no longer belonged in and often felt that it would be better if I had just died.

But I was not going to give up just yet and decided to try and feel a little brighter. I think this was for my wife and family’s benefit as much as mine. I never really thought of it as a fightback (or a battle) but I committed myself to doing things I used to enjoy… It wasn’t easy! During March 2024, I drove up to the Highlands where I camped in the van for a week. Some days I felt weak and frightened, whereas on other days I would scream at the sky as I forced myself to cycle a steep and winding route along Loch Sunart. I had glimpses of my old self, I slowly began to believe that maybe I could enjoy life and its challenges again. But then I’d experience that pain in my perineal area, the monkeys would appear, and I’d spiral back down under their weight.

I pushed on. Thankfully, from late summer of 2024, I started to feel much better. My perineal pain was almost gone, I had regained some physical strength and had a much better grip on handling fatigue. I was enjoying taking part in challenges, riding the new motorbike and planning future adventures with Sam. Of course there was the occasional monkey but it would normally just appear around obvious trigger points: the 12-weekly hormone implants, 3-monthly PSA tests, visiting cancer support groups, etc. At least one day of each week I would be completely knackered but I’d learnt to work around this. The monkeys were few and easily dealt with. I rarely thought about cancer; I even began to feel like a fraud… I’m supposed to have stage 4 cancer but I was living a life of leisure whilst training like a professional cyclist! I felt so lucky… there was barely a monkey in sight!

Disappointingly, since the Jennride, the monkeys have begun to gather again. Looking back to the event I can see that the first day was brilliant and I had no real problems completing it. It was during the later parts of the second day that I started experiencing some perineal discomfort. With just one more hour of riding remaining I was read to quit: I really didn’t want to sit on that saddle a moment longer. Giving up was not an option for me, practically or mentally. I decided not to sit on that saddle for a moment longer than absolutely necessary, I apologised to Pete, stood up and sprinted off… my bum hardly touched until I arrived at the finish-line cafe!

So what now? I’m feeling pretty good apart from the almost permanent discomfort down there. For someone who has lived much of their lives sat on bicycles and motorcycles this really isn’t the best place to be having troubles! But it could be loads worse I guess. I keep reminding myself to try and keep a positive mindset, although it is difficult when these bloody monkeys keep hanging around. I have an appointment with my oncologist in late March, so I’m hoping he may have some answers or suggestions. Meanwhile I’ll try and ignore the monkeys… maybe a flight on a jet aeroplane will loosen their grip?

TBC

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